It can feel uncomfortable reprimanding your own parents. This is why new parents should establish some guidelines for grandparenting as early as possible to prevent harsh conflicts and damaged relationships in the future, says best-selling author and parenting expert Esther Wojcicki.
“There is a significant amount of conflict between parents and grandparents. I have observed it everywhere,” says Wojcicki, an educator andwriter of the 2019 bookHow to Nurture Successful Individuals.
Wojcicki, who has 10 grandchildren, notes that many disputes between parents and grandparents occur when the older generation unintentionally undermines their own children.
It’s challenging for [grandparents] to readjust and understand that their children are now adults capable of making their own choices,” Wojcicki says. “I believe many grandparents unintentionally cross into the parents’ domain and act in ways that seem routine to them. However, these actions actually constitute an encroachment on the parents’ space.
Setting clear guidelines “when children are young, and even from the moment they are born” can assist parents in preventing future disagreements by providing chances to talk about limits in a calm manner before any boundaries are crossed, according to Wojcicki.
She suggests beginning with her Number 1 guideline for grandparents: “No secrets.”
Grandparents must never prompt their grandchildren to hide information from their parents, regardless of how harmless the secret might appear, according to Wojcicki. Whether it’s a private joke, a later bedtime, or a special indulgence such as an extra portion of cookies or ice cream, prompting children to keep secrets from their own parents can lead to lasting harm.
It may result in harmful behavioral patterns, such as encouraging children to hide things from their parents,” Wojcicki states. “Would [the grandparents] have wanted their children to keep secrets?
Other specialists concur: Children view their grandparents as figures of authority, which means these secrets can show kids that lying is okay and also weaken the trust between a child and their parents,according to Judith Joseph, a child and adolescent psychiatrist based in New York City.
The bond between children and their parents plays a crucial role in a child’s emotional growth. When children feel safe and assured that they can openly communicate with their parents, they are more inclined to become content and independent adults.research shows.
Normalizing the act of keeping secrets can also confuse children, possibly increasing the chances that they will not be open with their parents about serious matters, such as if another adult abuses them and instructs them to remain quiet, Wojcicki notes.
It may lead to various forms of sexual abuse,” she states. “It sets a very poor, very harmful example.
How and why to establish boundaries with grandparents from the start
Parents ought to begin discussing rules and limits with grandparents concerning their young children at the earliest opportunity, Wojcicki states: “Address it before a conflict arises.”
It’s generally more effective to engage in a calm conversation rather than an argument, she notes. Setting clear guidelines in advance may help prevent hurt feelings, which can develop into greater conflicts over time and negatively impact children, possibly leading to a less rewarding relationship with their grandparents.
“While individuals are not upset with one another, they have the opportunity to gather and discuss the fundamental principles for effective parenting and grandparenting that benefit everyone involved,” Wojcicki states.
Besides her primary rule regarding secrets, Wojcicki notes that major disagreements between parents and grandparents frequently center around what the children eat, when they eat, the clothing they wear, and their bedtime routines.
A significant concern is the practice of giving gifts, as grandparents frequently wish to provide presents or snacks for their grandchildren that the parents prefer they not receive, according to Wojcicki.
Wojcicki has even been reprimanded by her adult children for giving too many presents to her grandchildren, she acknowledges. She calls it her “number one mistake” as a grandmother, and admits she eventually set aside her own hurt feelings and agreed that her children were right.
It’s not as if I’m flawless, you know. I had to be instructed on what to do,” Wojcicki states. “I came to understand that I was overstepping their boundaries.
Certainly, not all grandparents are capable of recognizing their mistakes or willing to change their offensive actions. In such situations, Wojcicki suggests that parents may reasonably restrict the time grandparents spend with their grandchildren until they demonstrate greater respect for the parents’ preferences. However, since such relationship breakdowns can be painful and distressing, Wojcicki hopes that many families will take steps to prevent this by addressing issues early on.
In the end, Wojcicki suggests that parents consider the limits they hope their children’s grandparents will observe as soon as possible, allowing them to establish a transparent, truthful, and friendly conversation to tackle these issues before they escalate.
It’s crucial to engage in these conversations and maintain open lines of communication,” she states. “When those lines of communication shut down, that’s problematic. You’re finished.
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