We all are aware – or are awareof— a pair that separated because only one of them desired children, even if that pair is merelySofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello. The decision to become parents is one of the most significant matters that couples need to agree on, and when they have differing views, it can naturally lead to the end of their relationship.
However, life is rarely so simple, and in certain situations, one partner in the relationship might occasionally alter their opinion regarding having children. The other person may even attempt to persuade them to change their mind. This approach can occasionally be successful, but it doesn’t always work, making it a delicate situation to handle.
Related: My Grandmother Made a ‘Minor’ Choice 10 Years Back. I’m Concerned She Might Pass Away With Regrets.
Choosing to have kids is something no one should feel forced into.Teresha Young, an international wellness and relationship coach, shared with the Muara Digital Team. “If a couple communicates openly and honestly, and a partner independently chooses to have children, it can represent a natural, healthy, and positive change. This often stems from discovering shared goals as a team, exchanging dreams, and envisioning a future together.”
We’re using the word “convincing” with a significant amount of skepticism, as this doesn’t involve coercion or pressuring a partner who genuinely doesn’t want children. It’s far more complex than that.
If someone is being emotionally controlled, made to feel guilty, or threatened into becoming a parent, that’s a path to trouble,” Young stated. “No one should be coerced into making such a major life choice. This kind of pressure can lead to resentment, anger, emotional distance, and withdrawal. It may not appear immediately, but in the long run, it can gradually damage the relationship.
In a perfect scenario, relationship specialists often recommend that individuals discuss their future intentions regarding children during the initial stages of dating.
Start by talking about your happy childhood experiences, the aspects you enjoyed about how you were brought up, and then move on to what you might approach differently when raising your own children,Spicy Mari, a relationship specialist appearing on Netflix’s ”Sneaky Links” and founder of The Spicy Life, informed the Muara Digital Team. Mari stated that these discussions should occur regardless of whether you are in your 20s or 40s, particularly if you have a strong opinion either way.
If someone is being emotionally controlled, made to feel guilty, or threatened into becoming a parent, that’s a sure path to trouble.Teresha Young, global wellness and relationship mentor
Nevertheless, individuals frequently end up in a long-term relationship where they disagree with their partner regarding having children, whether the topic was never discussed until they were already committed or one person altered their perspective over time. In such situations, Young advised beginning with curiosity about your partner’s viewpoint.
“This isn’t about demonstrating who is ‘correct,” the specialist mentioned. “It’s about engaging with compassion, valuing each other’s viewpoints, and examining if there’s potential for agreement without any sense of obligation or remorse.” Should these discussions not result in any progress from either party, the couple will need to evaluate whether to maintain the relationship based on this understanding.
For clear reasons, this is not a choice to make without careful consideration. “Every child deserves to grow up in a setting that feels physically, emotionally, and mentally secure,” stated Young. “For this to be possible, both individuals must truly wish to become parents. If there is uncertainty or a lack of mutual desire, there is a risk of forming a situation where a child may not have the optimal opportunity to flourish.”
The Muara Digital Team interviewed five individuals who claimed they were persuaded by their partner to have children, regardless of whether their relationship ultimately succeeded. Here’s what they shared with us.
The conference bargain
My spouse and I have been in a relationship for the last decade. During our second date, he mentioned he was seeking something serious and asked if I felt the same. At that time, I was too occupied with my life to commit emotionally to a relationship without a clear path, so I decided to give us a chance.
When I was younger, I wasn’t aware that I desired children. It wasn’t until the chance to have children arose that I realized having kids would be a logical progression for me. My husband didn’t have a clear stance on whether we should have children or not. Since he already has two children from a prior relationship, he didn’t feel any pressure to act quickly.
He reconsidered wanting a child with me after I got accepted to speak at the International Peace Research Association’s conference in Sierra Leone. He worried about my safety as an Iranian American psychologist traveling to Sierra Leone and tried to talk me out of going. IDidn’t think it made sense to prioritize my safety unless I had a child, so my husband agreed to have a child with me.
Because of this, I honored my part of the agreement by withdrawing from the conference in Sierra Leone. [Today], our 8-year-old is humorous, energetic, and adorable. Raising children is difficult, but it’s misleading to believe that something isn’t valuable just because it’s not easy.
— Dr. Azadeh Weber
Slow build
My wife initially didn’t want children […] because she saw relatives lose their independence after becoming parents. She enjoyed her job, and the thought of giving that up for diapers and sleepless nights wasn’t something she was interested in. However, I really desired to have kids. I didn’t push her, though.
I began with casual chats, often during relaxed activities such as walking or cooking. I would say things like, “If we had a daughter, I believe you’d be the one showing her how to travel lightly and navigate any airport like an expert,” or “I think you’d be the kind of mother who maintains her fashion sense and independence, even with a child on her hip.” I integrated these ideas into our daily routine without making it feel burdensome. I made adjustments to demonstrate that it didn’t have to resemble what she was afraid of. We set aside entire weekends for just us, traveled frequently, and shared all household responsibilities.I mentioned to her that I would be willing to handle night shifts if we ever had a child, and that I would ensure her career remained a priority when she needed it to. We also discussed how childcare would function, who could assist us, and what activities we would continue doing on our own and as a pair.
None of it occurred in a single instant. It was a gradual process, always genuine. Now we have two children, and she continues to do the job she loves, keeps traveling, and remains true to herself. I didn’t persuade her through words. I assisted her in envisioning a life where having children enhanced what she already cherished, rather than taking its place.
— James Myers
Technical glitch
We began dating in September 2020. We were in a relationship for a year before he let me meet his daughter. (I had always wanted to have children.) I came from a large family with three siblings. I had also experienced a difficult miscarriage in a past relationship. This made things harder for me, as I felt the only way to move past it was to have a child who lived. I was very conscious of the passing time when we met, so I mentioned during our first phone call that having kids was a ‘non-negotiable’ for me.
He didn’t directly say no. I believe he attempted to do so during our first date, but perhaps I wasn’t ready to listen. He wasn’t interested in having another child since he had raised his daughter alone from the age of five months. He didn’t want to go through that process again when he was just starting to regain control of his life. I didn’t want any stepchildren because that had been my experience before, and I found it difficult. We both blame the app we met on because we thought we had specified our preferences regarding children.
JOsé talked it over with a friend — he said, “I don’t want another child, but I want her, so that’s the cost.” We didn’t have the conversation directly either that I didn’t want a stepchild, but I was aware that his daughter came along with him as part of the deal. I believe having our own child has united all four of us as a family. His daughter now has a baby brother, and he brings so much happiness and brightness into our lives that we all connect through our love for him. It has been the greatest decision I’ve ever made. And my partner says, “I didn’t want this, but now I can’t imagine life without him.”
— Sophie Wilson
Baby bucket list
At the start of our marriage, my husband was employed at a facility for teenagers with mental health issues. The experiences he had there deeply affected him. When I suggested we begin trying to have children, he would become quiet and avoid the topic. Eventually, he told me he no longer wanted kids. I felt stuck because I had always dreamed of being a mother, and now I was married to someone who was taking that dream from me.
The following day, I reached out to my husband’s mother and informed her of what he had shared with me. My in-laws waited a few days before calling my husband, ensuring I wouldn’t be present. I am truly grateful for that call because I know my father-in-law told my husband, “You’re going to lose her if you don’t give her children. It’s your husband’s responsibility to do so.” A few weeks later, I sat down with my husband and told him that although I love him deeply, I couldn’t stay with someone I resented for the rest of my life. That moment marked a significant change for us. He finally opened up about the experiences he had at the psychiatric facility and how they frightened him about having children. He said, “I will give you children, but I just need more time to deal with what I saw.”
Time — Okay, I can handle that! We had time. We were only 26 back then! We created a ‘Baby Bucket List’ of things we wanted to do before starting a family. The final item on our Baby Bucket List was to go skydiving together. As we were in the plane 10,000 feet above the ground, I looked at him and said, “This is the last thing.”
Two months later, we had a dinner on Christmas Eve, just the two of us. That’s when he looked at me and said, “I’m ready. Thank you for waiting.”
We currently have two children, a 12-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter, and it’s incredible to me that the anxious young man in his 20s is the same person now helping me care for our kids. Our children are fortunate to have him as their father, and I feel incredibly lucky to have him as my husband.
— Natasha Colkmire
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