Question:Our office group had lunch together a few days ago as part of a “team building” activity since we have several new people on the team. It was quite engaging because it was casual, and we mainly discussed business objectives and our personal lives. The team manager proposed that we keep having these lunches once a month or every other month, as he felt it was very helpful, and we all naturally agreed. After the lunch and returning to the office, some of us gathered and had a few questions regarding dining manners and whether we did things correctly. In the meantime, we would like to share some of our questions with you and appreciate your feedback, especially if we have made any mistakes.
Dianne:I sincerely appreciate your highly accurate questions. People are hired or not hired, promoted or not promoted daily based on their dining etiquette or the absence of it. Too often, the appearance of a business meeting or interview over breakfast, lunch, or dinner is actually meant to assess whether your table manners meet the standards.
My responses are below each section of questions:
Seating
Q: We had three men (one being the team leader) and three women, and everyone just took a chair starting with the team leader. Were we supposed to arrange ourselves as male, female, male, female, and so on around the table? Were the men expected to pull out the chairs for the women? Were the women supposed to be asked to order first?
A.It was suitable for the team leader to choose his seat first. If he intended to assign seats, he should have done so when he picked his own; however, since it was an “informal” lunch and not held in a private area at the restaurant, the method of everyone grabbing a chair was acceptable. However, I hope the outcome wasn’t three women sitting together and three men. If that happened, try to mix things up next time.
Seating women: Unless a woman is the President, CEO, or the top-ranking individual in the company, when she enters the business environment, she is treated as “genderless.” She should not anticipate that a male coworker will open the door for her or pull out her chair during a lunch or meeting. Politeness and respect are extended to everyone, regardless of gender. For instance, if a male employee is heading toward the front door of the office building in the morning carrying a pile of papers in both hands, and a female employee is directly behind him with just a purse or briefcase, she promptly offers to open the door for the man ahead of her.
Alternatively, if the situation is reversed, a man might offer, not because it’s a matter of gender, but because it’s the respectful thing to do. It’s standard etiquette. As a result, female employees at lunch shouldn’t anticipate that a male employee will pull out their chair, and the male employee shouldn’t feel required to offer.
Ordering: Assuming (as is natural) that the team leader is covering the cost for this team lunch, he should place the order first. This approach makes it much easier for the other participants to decide what to order. Even if he says, “order whatever you want,” and you notice he has chosen a mid-range main course, it would be smart for others to stick to that price range. (Now is not the right time to order lobster at its full price, for example).
The server or waitress should then begin taking orders, starting to their right (or left, depending on their establishment’s procedure), moving all the way around the table.
A key thing to keep in mind during a lunch meeting is this: Even if it’s your favorite dish, avoid ordering something that’s hard to eat, like spaghetti, for instance. Why? Because you don’t want to be focused on whether the noodles are slipping off your fork or landing on your shirt or dress instead of paying attention to everything being said at the table.
Additionally, beyond the team leader’s intention to talk about team objectives, he could also be evaluating the table etiquette of each team member. Why? Because today’s environment is highly competitive, and no matter the company’s size, it requires employees who can embody professionalism and refined manners in any scenario—whether it’s a high-level meeting with rival business executives or a meal with colleagues during breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
Therefore, if you are unsure which fork to use when multiple are available at a dining arrangement, or how to correctly hold a fork; how many pieces of steak to cut at once; where to put your knife after using it; or when to start eating and when not to, you might not be chosen to represent the company and therefore miss out on opportunities for promotion compared to those who possess these skills.
Alcohol
Q: The team leader inquired if anyone desired an alcoholic drink, even though he mentioned he didn’t want one. No one did, but would it have been acceptable to order one despite his statement?
A. A general guideline, to some degree, regarding alcoholic drinks during business meals:
Lunch: I don’t believe an alcoholic drink is suitable during lunch, even if the team leader requested one, unless it’s a celebratory lunch that involves toasts.
In this situation, although your team leader provided everyone with the choice to order an alcoholic drink, he didn’t; thus, following his example and not ordering one is the most appropriate decision. Even if he had chosen to have one, you are not required to do the same. However, if you do decide to drink, it’s advisable to consume it at a slow pace.
Dinner: Alcohol is more of a choice; however, all the reasoning I gave for lunch still applies.
Dessert and coffee
Q.A waiter brought a dessert tray. The team leader chose not to have dessert but ordered coffee. Two others ordered both dessert and coffee, while two women talked about sharing one but ultimately decided against it. Is it acceptable to share a dessert? What if someone wanted to take a dessert back to the office?
A. It is acceptable to share a dessert provided that the waiter is asked to divide it onto two plates before serving it at the table. If this request is not made, the dessert may arrive on a single plate with two forks or two spoons, which is not suitable for a formal dining experience.
If it were a close-knit family meal, one plate would be enough; however, it’s still better to divide it before serving, even in such a setting. It is not suitable to request a “dessert to go” during a business lunch, as this might actually be seen as an indication of weak business sense.
Discussions about family
A:My time in the business sector has shown me the importance of being cautious about sharing details about my personal family life with my superiors and coworkers. I have received similar guidance from some of my mentors.
Why: Whether we are aware of it or not, business choices about which employee gets promoted or assigned to travel roles or higher responsibilities may be made, either intentionally or unintentionally, by considering details you have shared about your family life—information that might be seen as a possible issue, leading to your not being chosen, even though the information you provided isn’t actually a problem and wouldn’t hinder your ability to carry out your job.
But, you weren’t asked. For instance: Imagine you have your mother residing with you. You share this as general information: “Oh, my mother lives with me, and even though she’s older and has a bad knee, we enjoy many fun activities together.”
So: a new agreement is being discussed, and the company requires an individual to be away from town for three or perhaps four weeks to finalize all the specifics.
Management creates a list of potential candidates, evaluating factors such as overall knowledge, professionalism, negotiation skills, capabilities, and availability. Your name is on the list, and you are the most qualified, but then someone recalls or subconsciously thinks: “Hmmm, her elderly mother lives with her, and she has to take care of her, so it might not be wise to have her away for an extended period.” As a result, someone else is chosen.
What they weren’t aware of, as you didn’t explain, is that you have a brother and sister who reside close by, and all three of you are willing to assist her if she requires anything — and if you need to travel for work, they are prepared to do whatever is needed so you don’t have to be concerned about her.
Therefore, maybe you should have simply stated: “My Mom lives with me and we enjoy doing things together PERIOD.” Or included details about your brother and sister. Indeed, management could have sought your input before making their choice, but that often doesn’t occur, and in any case, they usually believe they are acting in your best interest (which is thoughtful, though not always grounded in correct information).
BOTTOM LINE:Your private life is precisely that—private—and for professional matters, should stay private.
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