As first-time parents, my wife and I were worried that our daughter hadn’t started crawling yet. She was 7 months old but hadn’t mastered the movements. We weren’t sure what steps to take or how we could assist her, but during a lengthy road trip—our first as a family—we discovered our solution. Whether it was good or bad, the solution turned out to be a smartphone.
Our daughter Maeve was crying loudly in the car, as infants often do, and we had already attempted every other option, so we resorted to the one thing we were sure would work:MoanaFor the entire final hour of the car trip, Maeve remained, happy, not asleep but also no longer restless, listening toHow Far I’ll Go over and over again.
We reached our destination, thankful for what we referred to as Maeve’s “Moana trance” — we succeeded in challenging all our previous assumptions and guidelines about incorporating smartphone technology into our child’s life… and once more, Moana helped Maeve learn to crawl.
My wife retrieved her phone, located our family’s latest favorite song, and set her phone down, screen facing up, about ten feet away from Maeve. Then she tapped play.
I’ve been gazing at the shoreline of the water.
As far back as I can recall
Never really knowing why.
Maeve was captivated. On her hands and knees, gazing forward. Moana kept going… and then it occurred. She started moving. Maeve wasn’t merely crawling; she had become an expert, moving with purpose and passion as if she had always known how to crawl. But was using the smartphone to encourage her a mistake?
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A mobile phone enabled her to achieve a significant goal.
All the stages of early parenthoodappear to function in a similar manner. Acquiring skills like crawling, walking, cycling—whatever you want to call it. You look up one day and suddenly your baby is capable of doing something you thought they might never achieve. And then, just as they succeed, and your relief and joy reach their peak, a quiet sorrow begins to creep in, sorrow over the time you’ll never have again and the chapter now closed.
But this time was unique.This time, a different emotion emerged: embarrassment.Embarrassment and anxiety about using our smartphones as a reward for achieving this significant milestone.
Even now, three and a half years later, I still can’t figure out: did we make a mistake? Did we set Maeve on a course to become as dependent on this device as her parents—and everyone else—have? Did we end up hurting her while trying to assist her?
Only time will reveal. However, I have strong grounds to think that, even if it didn’t happen then, it would have occurred eventually. She would have crawled. And, indeed, she would have ended up admiring the now-famous smartphone. The real question, though, is “when?”
Infants and young children are fascinated by mobile devices
This wasn’t the first time we experienced such worries. Although Moana provided comfort to my daughter during those times, similar to being breastfed or gently rocked to sleep, I don’t believe the music would have been as appealing to her if it hadn’t been coming from our smartphones.
Even during the initial few months of her life, we observed that our smartphones fascinated our daughter more than any other toy could.
And this has never decreased since. Now, if my wife or I were to leave one of our phones in a room with our children (we now have two), they would immediately rush toward it and desperately try to hold on to it when we inevitably attempt to take it back.
That’s what I’m worried about. Not just because of the current impact of smartphone attraction, but because of what it might signify for them in the future.
Preventing premature use of smartphones
Since it came out last year, NYU ProfessorJonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation—a book discussing the risks that time spent on screens and social media pose to children’s mental well-being—has been highlighted on theNew York TimesTop seller list for 76 consecutive weeks.
It’s no secret why.
The book references numerous studies regarding the hidden risks embedded in these technologies, illustrating how theyencourage compulsive behavior, lower social and emotional intelligence due to a device’s simple existence, erode cognitive capacity, and cause depression and anxiety in very obvious and damaging ways.
Smartphones alter the way we raise children. They influence how we form friendships. How we behave, perceive, and experience emotions. And the key point: they do this almost instantly after being used.
That’s why my wife and I were initially very hesitant to use our smartphones around our child. Then, after the car incident and worries about crawling, we found ourselves facing tough questions about what the research indicates, and how we would handle the reality that these constant devices could pose a risk to our children.
My spouse and I were initially very hesitant to use our smartphones around our child. Then, after the car incident and worries about crawling, we found ourselves facing tough questions.
Even though my toddler isn’t specifically requesting her own smartphone, I still sense that she is being influenced simply by being in their presence, and by learning how to use them during the brief times she has alone with them, or even by watching us utilize them.
Above all, I worry that we have created the foundation for her future addiction merely by permitting such extensive access to these devices.
Our mobile phones are built to be habit-forming.
Nir Eyal authored the book detailing how phones capture our attention in 2013—fittingly namedHooked. It serves as a guide for how businesses and developers can create applications that capture and maintain user interest. Nearly every app in use today applies the concepts outlined in his book, which are rooted in human psychology, particularly the psychology of addiction.
That explains why breaking our phone addiction is so challenging—but I think it also presents our best chance to take control. We must be truthful and evaluate how we’re using our devices. Then recognize the difference between necessary use and, frankly, use that qualifies as an addiction.
It’s understandable why our phone addiction is difficult to overcome—but I think it presents our best chance to resist.
For parents, it’s as timeless as the ages:we’re telling our children to follow our words, rather than our actionsThe current distinction is that everyone, regardless of age, is facing a new danger aimed at keeping us addicted.
How I’m cutting down on my phone use, especially when with my toddlers
But parents are making an effort. While we wait for society to become aware of these issues and for our leaders to provide genuine, long-term solutions, we can take action. My wife and I are working towardsreducing our smartphone usage…especially when our children are around. Here’s how:
Using your phone as a landline device
To accomplish this, we recently introduced a “to-go” policy for our mobile phones. So when we are at home, for the duration of our time at home, we put each of our phones into a central box, similar to alandline.
We have already observed favorable outcomes.
Our latest policy has not been implemented for long, yet we are already noticing the impact our adjustment has made on us. We are enhancing our connection with our devices, but even more importantly, we are preventing them from interfering with our bond with our children.
“Technoference” refers to the instance when we send our children away or otherwise disregard them in order to continue looking at our phones. When this occurs in our home, our moods are frequently irritable; we believe our children should understand our busyness and find their own way.independent playmore attractive at that time.
Fortunately, we have gained understanding. Children do not simply experience temporary loneliness when rejected; they are harmed, and these feelings of pain remain, with each repeated occurrence making them more desperate and dependent, yearning for the support that we, as parents, are obligated to offer them, which is both emotional and physical in nature.
It’s time to reclaim their focus. Starting with giving them ours.
Last impressions about young children, kids, and mobile devices
Nir Eyal authored a book and began his professional journey in 2013 with the goal of engaging users with digital products. Only six years later, in 2019, he released a sequel to that publication. What was the central topic of this new work?To free us from our device dependencies.
Here’s to wishing we all canpay attention to the inner voice, similar to what Grandma Tala from Moana says, and demonstrate the phone usage we wish for our children to experience a life that is more liberally ours.
Matthew R. O’Brien, Contributing Writer
Matt is a freelance writer who primarily works on developing software for NASA’s Earth Science Data Systems Program. He is also a husband and father to two children. As someone with many talents, Matt has a wide range of interests, including watching and participating in various sports and physical activities, reading philosophy, self-help, and fantasy literature, and perfecting his comedic skills at stand-up comedy clubs in the DC area. Matt enjoys discussing language, having studied linguistics and English grammar in college, and he has turned this passion into a part-time writing consulting business named Matterwords.
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