- As a counselor, I assist families navigating the challenges of child-rearing.
- I’m also a mother, and I understand that my clinical experience sometimes overlaps with real-life situations.
- I remind myself that I don’t have to be a flawless parent, but I do need to be present for my children.
As an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist(LAMFT), I assist couples, individuals, families, children, or any combination of these in developing parenting approaches — or, as I prefer to refer to them, leadership growth techniques.
I spend my days assisting parents in exploring the wonderfulchaos of raising childrenand managing conflict within relationships overall. I guide individuals in developing secure attachment, regulating their nervous system, leadership abilities, and emotional attunement. I also assist clients in maintaining composure during challenging times and staying rooted in acceptance.
Nevertheless, last week, I caught myself, with my eyes shut, kneeling on the floor of my daughter’s bedroom, going through what I think would be the nearest experience toheart palpitations, as she howled because her seventh set of clothes “felt strange.”
This was not one of thoseInstagrammable parenting moments, and it is not a moment I would emphasize on my resume. This was real life, where theory and clinical experience meet with uncomfortable leggings and the emotional instability of a small, strong person.
My kids are still those kids sometimes
Here’s the straightforward reality: despite all the professional education, a certified Master’s Degree, and neatly protected visual charts in my office, my children are stillthose kids sometimes.
The ones who throw tantrums in public. Those who debate brushing teeth as if it’s a Supreme Court matter. The ones who might have or might not have knocked over a banana stand in the middle of Trader Joe’s, causing their single mother to leave her cart behind in embarrassment.. Those who depart from me, a certified professional, leave me questioning: “Wait… how did I end up here?”
The difference between what weknow and what we liveBeing a parent is wide-ranging and constantly growing — and frequently funny when looked back on. Raising kids is a lesson in humbleness, and for many of us, even with several children, we’re tackling this role for the first time with minimal prior knowledge. It’s a long-term game that combines elements of Life, Monopoly, and managing your own nervous system. And no one, not even a therapist, is safe from those gut-wrenching moments when your child’s actions make you doubt your sanity, your tolerance, and sometimes, your desire to keep going.
Kids look for connection
I support both neurodivergent and neurotypical families, assisting them in building strong bonds, emotional awareness, and meaningful connections. However, I want to emphasize: understanding alone doesn’t protect you from difficult times, particularly when you’re feeling overwhelmed..It simply provides you with a map when you’re lost. And even then, occasionally the GPS says “recalculating” because your 9-year-old has climbed the bookshelf and your teenager has decided you’re the most embarrassing person around.
In her published work “Good Inside”and via her social media posts,Dr. Beckyoften states, “Children aren’t giving us a hard time; they’re going through a hard time,” and that’s accurate. Her impactful shift in perspective encourages parents and guardians to look past the actions and react with empathy rather than authority, whether it’s a fierce tantrum in the middle of a Target store or a dramatic teenage eye roll regarding phone rules.
In what I refer to as the polyvagal guidebook, “The Whole Brain Child,” Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson discuss the significance of “name it to tame it” — recognizing emotions in order to manage them, connecting with oneself, and identifying whether the amygdala (reptilian brain) or the prefrontal cortex (rational brain) is dominant. This applies to us parents as well.
When I notice frustration building up, I recognize the physical signal and try my hardest to stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself: “What am I experiencing? What do I need at this moment?” Occasionally, the response is simply having a glass of water. Other times, it involves retreating to the bathroom for three minutes to help calm my overstimulated nervous system. After going through various experiences, both successful and challenging, I’ve learned that when I respond to my child’s emotional imbalance with my own, no one benefits.
You don’t need to be a flawless parent
The most valuable present parents can give their children is the gift of being in sync within the realm of self-control.
Just as adjusting a guitar demands attentive listening, deliberate modifications, and an awareness of the emotional “key” required at that time, attunement involves similar care. When tuning a guitar, we pay close attention, make significant or subtle changes, and select the appropriate tone to set a mood or create a melody.
Parenting involves a comparable approach. It starts with listening — perhaps expressing something like, “I see you’re struggling. I can tell by your tears.” Following that is the adjustment phase: an internal and external assessment. We might take a moment to ask ourselves, “Is my child hungry? Tired? Overstimulated? Overwhelmed? Hormonal?” Just as a properly tuned guitar creates music that is moving, soothing, or strong, attuned parenting generates emotional harmony and strength. The “melody” that arises from a parent’s presence and self-control helps a child feel acknowledged, listened to, and supported. It promotes security, bonding, and the profound healing that comes from being genuinely understood.
I long for nothing more than for more adults to embrace our challenges and consistently practice self-acceptance. Let’s make it normal to be a caring, empathetic parent who occasionally loses their temper, a genuinely kind individual who sometimes feels like hiding in the closet, a person capable of teaching emotional control while also losing their composure over a conflict involving Magna-Tiles.
The guide to parenting isn’t about getting things “perfect.” It’s about being present, fixing things when we make mistakes, and reconnecting when there’s a breakdown or misalignment.
Here’s what I share with the parents and caregivers I support — and what I often remind myself: You don’t need to be the perfect parent at every moment of every day. Just being a sufficiently caring parent who consistently shows up is enough. With affection. With routine. With a bit of laughter. And perhaps with an extra pair of leggings thatdon’t feel weird.
SHelley Treadaway is a certified marriage and family therapist and the mother of three children. Learn more about her therapeutic methods on her Psychology Today profile.
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